The Worst Part About Having Three Boys
Struggling to become pregnant hasn’t been a part of my motherhood journey but staying pregnant has been a heartbreaking challenge. My husband and I have had to overcome the grief, guilt, and feelings of defeat after losing each of our three unborn babies and each loss was harder than the last.
We want a big family. Not 10-kids big (although, if I didn’t have to drive a bus I would seriously consider it) but certainly bigger than the average 2.5 kids per American family. Each pregnancy has been welcomed with love, joy, and the eagerness to meet the new life growing inside of me. My husband and I have never had a preference about the sex of our children but have imagined all of the possible ways our family could end up looking.
Many people assume that I want a daughter. I get it. I’m extremely feminine and enjoy all things basic and girly. I also have three sons so it’s easy to assume that we’re hoping for a daughter each time I become pregnant.
The truth is, I would love to have a daughter but no more than I would love to have another son.
There comes a point when you truly just want a baby. Screaming, pooping, healthy. Just a baby that you can love and grow into a kind, world-changing adult. Penis or no penis.
So, what part of having three boys is the worst? The comments about having three boys.
The comments that “this one better be a girl.” The comments that “you’re sorry” I had another boy. And, my all time favorite, “you don’t deserve a daughter.” Yikes.
Do you want honesty? I didn’t want my third baby to be a boy. Not because I wanted a girl but because I didn’t want to defend my all consuming love for him to the people who wished, hoped, and thought I needed or wanted a girl.
I’ve been bombarded with comments like “Awh! Are you sad it’s not a girl?” and “You have too many boys!” and “Wow! Three boys?! Good luck.”
Yes. Three boys. All mine to snuggle and cherish and raise into men that your daughters may choose to marry one day.
It breaks my heart that my third son hasn’t elicited the same excitement that my first son did solely because he’s another boy. (Although, there were some people very upset my first child was a boy, too- totally different story.)
You may feel sad for me but I promise you’re wasting your time. I am the only mother these boys will ever have and I’m not going to waste a single moment being sad that I have three sons. So why are you? You don’t get to raise them. You don’t get to soak in their sweetness or kiss them goodnight. The sex of my children has very little effect on your life so don’t be sad, upset, or sorry that they’re mine. Rejoice knowing there are three more boys in this world who have two parents absolutely head over heels in love with them.
I know gender disappointment is a real phenomenon that mothers experience and it’s hard not to assume other mothers feel the same way as you. Don’t project your feelings onto other moms, especially not onto me. When you meet a mom who is expecting another baby of the same sex (or a baby of the opposite sex she desired) pause and think before you speak words of disappointment to her. She’s bringing life into this world and, at the very least, that is worth a simple congratulatory statement if you can’t offer her anything else. After all, that baby didn’t ask to be here and certainly didn’t get to choose his/her sex before entering this world.
So, like I said, I would love to have a daughter but which one of my sons should I be disappointed in because he’s not a girl? The son who tells me he loves me once an hour? The son currently smothering me in kisses? Or the son bouncing on my bladder reminding me how absolutely fortunate I am that I get to experience pregnancy at all?
Or, should I bring more babies into this world than I want just so I can possibly, maybe, hopefully have a daughter?
I realize pregnancy and postpartum hormones can make moms feel uneasy and extra sensitive about unwanted and questionably inappropriate comments about the sex(es) of their children. I also realize that not all negative comments and awkward glances are done out of pity and spite. But, I can tell you that they’re exhausting and unwelcome.
You are responsible for the words that come out of your mouth and all those words are a reflection of your character. Choose wisely.
When you see a mom with two or more children of the same sex don’t say anything that isn’t kind and up-lifting. Tell her that her kids are beautiful. Congratulate her on the newest person in her family. Every mama deserves to hear that.
Or don’t say anything at all.
With the exception of a few, parents don’t get to choose the sex of their children. We decide how many we want and how far apart we want them and the rest is out of our control. We just love them and welcome them into our families with wide open, tired arms and do our best to raise them into kind, successful adults.
Yes, I am a mother of three boys and I wouldn’t trade them for all the girls in the world.